Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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