we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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