Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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