It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
