I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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