We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
