She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
