in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
