he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
