Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
