a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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