You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
