break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
