I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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