I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My cat gives me a boner
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
