i will never coherently bang her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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