i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
