see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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