Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
