there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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