You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
