Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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