Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
