you traded sex for a burrito?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
