Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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