remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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