I puked a lego.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
