My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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