soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
