either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
