Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
