I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
