clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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