My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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