I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
