i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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