Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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