I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
