You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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