she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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