So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
