I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We're too hungover to prance.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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