My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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