I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
