I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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