I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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