I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
