I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize