and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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