You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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