On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
