I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
