a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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