So drunk its hurt
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
